Parenting
August 29, 2021The 8/29/21 message is here (starts at roughly 33:20). The message was about parenting: embrace them completely, affirm them constantly, entrust them increasingly, correct them lovingly, and love them unconditionally.
Torah means teach. How appropriate...
In the Torah, man is likened to "a tree in the field" (Deut 20:19). In many ways, raising a child is like raising a tree. The objective is to raise each according to its needs in order to coax out the unique potential within.
One of the Torah's key contributions to the world was to debunk the notion that "it's all about firstborns." It's not all about firstborns. Most of the "heroes" of the Torah are not firstborns. The primitive notion of firstborn superiority was universal until the Torah. Also, note that there are as many heroines in the Torah as heroes. Don't favor any children based on unimportant differences.
One of the first references to parents teaching children in the Torah is in Genesis 18:19. This is were the choseness of the Israelites is revealed, their purpose, "to direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord by doing what is right and just." The "and his houdsehold after" basically means forever. Teach your children the way of the Lord, right and wrong.
A comment about the father/child relationship is in the Joseph story. Judah, while pleading to Joseph in Egypt, says, "So now, if the boy [Benjamin] is not with us when I go back to your servant my [Judah's] father [Jacob], and if my father, whose life is closely bound up with the boy’s life,". This is a statement about how a parent can be greatly bound to the lives of their children, even to their detriment. I see this as a caution to not become too caught up in the lives of your children. Don't have your happiness be overly dependent on your children's behavior.
No story in the Torah makes it more clear than the story of Jacob and Esau how different siblings can be (beginning in Exodus 25:26). Addditionally clear is how differently parents can treat their children. And just to be clear, Esau was not any kind of evil. He just wasn't particularly spiritual or "deep." It may also be true that their parents did not treat them differently enough initially, that they didn't see what was different about Esau and encourage him accordingly from the start. That this latter thought may be true is suggested in Genesis 25:27 where it is noted only after they grew up that it was recognized that one was a hunter and one dwelt in the tent (Hirsch).
Delving deeper into the notion of siblings being very different, we have the story of the four sons asking questions during the Passover Seder: a wise son, a stupid son, a wicked son, and one who does not know how to ask questions. Each is given an answer appropriate to the child. Why no good child? Prager suggests that the good child is listed, the wise one. The point is, different children can need different responses. (Deut 6:20, Exod 12:26, Exod 13:8, Exodus 13:14.)
The Joseph story also raises the parenting issue of equal favor amongst the kids. Jacob was not good at that, first showing great favor to Joseph (coat and all) and then to Benjamin. Creating this kind of animosity amongst siblings is never effective parenting.
In the vocabulary of the Torah, when to speak harder and when to speak softer is delineated. "Tomar" is the "speak softer to" verb and "tagged" is the harsher version. It is clear each has its appropriate uses. See Exodus 19:3. In the case of this verse, it's different for men versus women, but it's not a huge leap to suggest similar care should be exercised with boys vs girls, or older kids versus younger.
I already referenced the Commandment to Honor your Mother and Father in an earlier essay. But its importance is highlighted here. If your kids don't honor you, if you haven't taught them to honor you, what can they learn from you?
I'm going to start ending these essays (and small group discussions) with "big issues" from the Torah. One could also call these "pervasive thoughts." Today, I'd like to jump from one of Pastor Patrick's closing statements, "Jesus said, live life to the fullest." The Torah is preoccupied with living life to the fullest. The Torah so much wants us focused on living this life well that an afterlife is never directly asserted. It's implied a few times, but that's it. One of the ways it's implied is the use of the phrase "gathered to his kin" (about ten times, e.g. Genesis 25:8). This is stated regardless of physical burial location (like an ancestral or family grave site). And it's stated upon dying, not upon burial. It's a strong implication of an afterlife.
Another common Torah theme appropriate to our discussion today is behavior and ritual. You become what you do. If you do good, you become good. You remember, in part, through ritual. So, demonstrate good behavior (Ten Commandments) and keep the rituals (Sabbath, holidays, festivals, etc.). Your children will tune in much more to what you do than what you say.
Rabbi Manis Friedman offered this: "The key to raising children is not to 'raise' them, but to include them in your own life, and to live your own life in a way that is worth emulating." If you don't want your kids to do it, don't do it. And vice versa. (video)