Fighting Fair
August 22, 2021The 8/22/21 message is here (starts at roughly 26:25). The message was about fighting fair, particularly with those with whom you have a relationship. And even more specifically, spouses (though the principles are not limited to spouses).
Let's consider first the very notion of fighting, or struggling with, or arguing with someone. It's OK! It's normal. If, as the Torah makes clear, we can argue with God ("Israel" means "struggle with God"), then we can certainly argue with humans. If it's OK for God to be questioned, surely it's OK to have ourselves questioned. One of the most well known "arguing with God" stories is when Abraham argues with God about saving Sodom for the sake of 50 righteous people. And when Abraham gets that, he continues to negotiate downard! How about 45, 40, 30, 20, and finally 10. Apparently Abraham also knew when to stop. Gen 18:23-33.
The Book of Genesis could just as easily have been titled the Book of Dysfunctional Families (says Prager in his Torah lectures). Families are tough business, and that was no different with the early Hebrews. Right off the bat, brother kills brother over jealousy about a sacrifice. And you could say family issues never go away in the Torah. So, fear not (the words most often spoken by the God of the Torah). We, too, can get through this.
No two people are alike, so issues are bound to arise. And perhaps no two persons are more different than male and female. God created us male and female. And just to be clear, they are equals. The literal translation of Genesis 2:18 includes "a helper who is his equal." But while of equal value and significance, it should be clear that men and women are not the same; they think differently, feel differently, attack issues differently, etc. This is good to keep in mind when fighting with a spouse. And speaking of marriage, did you know that the longest chapter in Genesis (24) is all about marriage. Specifically, the story is about how Abraham's servant went out and sought a wife for his son, Isaac. It's replete with character values to look for in a spouse. But I digress...
Don't be hurt or insulted by being questioned. Allowing yourself to be hurt or insulted is a choice; choose not to be. Abraham was not insulted by Abimelech because down deep he knew that Abimelech was justified in being concerned (Gen 21:24).
Pastor Patrick noted a few tips: be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger (James 1:19). Let the Torah add: be polite, maybe even overly polite. Did you know that God himself uses "please" when making requests of people. Check out Genesis 22:2. When translated correctly from the ancient Hebrew, there's a "please" (na) in there. And in our previous story about Abraham negotiating to save Sodom, Abraham adds a very polite "please don't be angry with me" upon his final request for ten.
In the story of Joseph, we learn a lesson about not letting anger build up inside (before dealing with it). His brothers were "wrought up at him," but nowhere previously do they confront Joseph or address their beef(s). Things that fester in the heart get out of control. And could be over nothing, or a misunderstanding. But to be fair to the Biblical text in this case, the brothers did have a genuine beef about Joseph being the favored son.
Check out Genesis 41:51, "God has made me forget." In this case, Joseph is forgetting his childhood pain. Let it go! When it's history, and nothing can be done about it, let it go. And certainly don't dredge it up in an argument.
Have empathy. And that's very hard. It's hard to have empathy, to understand where the other person is truly coming from. The Torah often instructs the Isrealites to "remember how it was for you in Egypt" so that they can have empathy for other "strangers in a strange land." Have empathy, or at least sympathy, for where your "opponent" in the argument is coming from. For another empathy instruction, see Exodus 22:20.
Just to put a Torah exclamation mark on "be slow to anger," consider Jacob's condemnation of Simeon and Levi, his sons, in Genesis 49:5-7. Jacob's message is simple: "cursed be their anger so fierce."
In Exodus 18:17-24, Moses graciously accepts advice and criticism from his father-in-law, Jethro. This is part of the quick to listen ...and fully consider... what is said to you before talking back. You may simply find that the other person is right. The fight that easily could have ensued has been nipped in the bud.
One last thought... Consider the Commandment to honor your mother and father. A significant subset of fights are between parent and child, particularly adult children and their parents. It's a tragedy that parents/children let things like politics separate them, estrange them. Shame on the one who disassociates from the other. You don't have to agree with or even love your parents, but you must honor them, be decent and polite.